I married this white guy…

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In the beginning, like every tragic love story, my husband and I began with a bang. I met my husband while I was in a physically abusive relationship. I was able to escape a violent relationship only to jump out of the pot, but into the fire. I now know that my husband is a covert narcissist. He has such charm and charisma; I fell head over heels within the first month of meeting him. 

I met my husband when he was in undergrad. We met in a southern small college town. During  one of our very first dates we watched “Dancing with Wolves” at his apartment. I remember he was laying on the floor and I was on the couch. He looked up at me and said, “White people are fucked up.”  He was commenting about the movie. “Dancing with Wolves” which is a movie that documents the White man stealing land from the American Indians. I was kind of taken back by his statement. But when I first met him, I realized he was “Wigger” A white guy enamored with hip hop culture. He was adopted by an older racist wealthy couple. In many white wealthy families, there is a lack of nurturing. There is a fair amount of judgement. Like so many women, we have an innate need to nurture and love. Our first few months together we were inseparable. My husband grew up wealthy, so he was able to really wine and dine me. He opened doors for me. Pulled out chairs, he always told me I was beautiful. This is the man I loved. I later realize the charming behavior was intentional. I later learned that he viewed black men as “ghetto bastards” Opening doors and acknowledge my beauty was game, his way of winning a black woman over. Never the less, when he was drunk, he’d made sure I realized how he was supposedly different than a black man.

Yeah, his dark side was reflected in my husband’s infidelity and lack of remorse. Within the first 4 months of us dating, he was unfaithful The first time I caught him. I remember vividly, because the night before was the first time he told me he loved me. He had a friend visiting. They had hung out all night. I came over in the morning, I knocked on the door. His friend let me in the apartment. His friend was this white country guy from the mountains. I walked into my then boyfriend bedroom and sat on the bed. I started talking to him. I noticed he appeared nervous. Then I noticed this massive lump in his bed. I pulled back the covers, he had this young white girl in bed with him. She had to be like 16. He was 21, almost 22 at the time. This was the beginning of 25 years of infidelity. I can’t believe I am writing this. No one… No one knows how my husband has cheated on me over the years. Only his close friends, and those who he cheated with…. 

My husband is a clean cut, well-mannered white guy. As I explained, he was raised by abusive adoptive parents. My husband exhibited insecure behavior which resulted in his alcoholism. In the beginning, I thought it was just a college partying behavior. Now when I look back, my husband was an alcoholic at 21 years of age.  He had a truly dark side. In the beginning he would exhibit minor abusive behaviors. It usually occurred while he was drinking, so I wasn’t too alarmed. Plus, when ee would go to these really dark places he would say or do something to make up for it.I loved him, so I just dealt with it. I submitted letters and cards of my husband’s apologizing or explaining his behavior to the court to show his history of abuse. If you check the court documents and/ or transcripts you will see that the court never acknowledges my white husband’s abusive behavior. Like R Kelly victims, black women being abused is less important than animals being abused according to our judicial system. 

We were married 23 years. I know it sounds like a life time. I am loyal and committed. Honestly, after 10 years I had the belief that marriages worked because you made them work. I did enjoy a fun life with my husband. He and I are both extraverts. We enjoy meeting people and building friendships. The first ten years were challenging at times, but he was like best friends. Whenever we had a bad argument or he didn’t something foul, he would stop drinking for several weeks. He would make me breakfast in the morning. We would lay in bed and play with the dogs on Saturday morning. The guys was really my friend. I made friends at work, for the first 10 years I devoted most my time to my family and raising my children. My husband always has a social life outside the family. He played golf, went to poker and went to the bar with his friends. My husband had a great work ethic, it was ingrained in him as a young boy. Because he was such a good provider I would over look that dark things he would do.

As our marriage continued I started to learn who he was at the core. My husband is the kind of guy, who goes a long with the crowd. If there is something wrong happening he will not intervene or assist. These fundamental difference began to weight on our marriage. I am black woman who had to work twice as hard as my white counterparts. I didn’t come from wealth so I appreciated when others struggled. He appeared to care less about other less fortunate. As we moved to mid class status, I often wanted to help others. He would always reprimand me, told me I wasn’t Mother Theresa. I was aware of his dark side. I was… As I sit here and think about all that transpired I am embarrassed because I truly loved him.

My husband would go on these drunk benders on the weekend. 10- 15 years in I learned not to argue with him. We would go out, to the movies or to a friend. Driving, “YES, HE WAS DRUNK” I know you want to judge me. I should be judged. He would drive home, he and my daughter. Driving home he would start an argument. Virtually about anything; my daughter would be sitting in the back seat, I would notice her demeanor would change. I am pretty feisty, but after 10 years I learned just not to respond to him. Sometimes he would harass me all night. It’s like he wanted to see me angry, he wanted me to cry or he wanted to see me freak out. On several occasions he harassed me so bad with his nasty vile words I would find myself in the corner crying in the fetal position. Went I first went into this marriage, I was a bit sensitive. I still am, but I learned to endure negative toxic times.

This is a horrible to place to be in, I wonder if I deserve this treatment for not leaving him in our early years. When I went into labor with my daughter my husband was at a friends birthday party. He let me go to the hospital by myself. He eventually showed up drunk. I had a trouble pregnancy. My daughter was in distress, she had ingested meconium. She had pooped in my womb. I had to have a C-Section. When we were in the operating room everyone in the room notice how detached my husband was. He didn’t touch me, he didn’t try to console me. He just stood there. There were monitoring her heart beat. Her heart beat was labored. I was so scared. When the doctor delivered her she didn’t make a sound. I was so afraid. Then I heard her scream. It was the most joyous baby scream I had ever heard. Ironically, my daughter was born on Father’s Day. I remember being thirsty. The nurse noticed that my husband didn’t do anything to comfort me. One nurse brought me a large cup of water filled with ice chips. He stood there cold and heartless. His nonchalant attitude I was accustomed to, but it was embarrassing when others witnessed it. Usually, my husband put up a great front around strangers. Many of my friends, envied me because they thought he was so charming and charismatic. But I noticed in stressful situation, he was a lot less charming.

I have to share this story, it is one of the most embarrassing story. But it is a story that paints a clear picture of the man I married. New Years Eve is our anniversary. Every year we would go on vacation. One year we went to the Virgin Islands. We went to a tropical places for Christmas break. My daughter and him loved to swim in the ocean, go snorkeling and other water sports. We took a fairy to the Island of St. John’s from St. Thomas. We met some people on the beach, I sat on the beach chatting with these girls from Ohio. My husband and my daughter were going to swim out the this structure out in the ocean. My daughter was six years old. We have a swimming pool, so I got her swimming lessons when she was 3 years old. She was a pretty good swimmer. I was just chatting away on shore. I heard my husband yelling, but he was way out in the ocean. I was alarmed. One of the girls, said relax as I jumped up. I saw my husband swimming towards the shore as fast as he could, he was screaming to my 6 year old, “come on”. My daughter was lagging way behind him. I wondered, why is he leaving her? When he made it to shore, he said,” I saw a shark!” OMG, this man was leaving his 6 year old daughter in the ocean for the sharks. He was several yard ahead of her. She was struggling to swim. This man left my baby in the ocean for the sharks. This was maybe 13 years into our 23 year marriage. If you are judging, JUDGE ME!! FUCK I AM JUDGING MYSELF. This thought never left me. I carried so much guild for staying with this mad. He had done a lot of foul things over the years. My husband was adopted. He has always had that take care of me, fuck the next person attitude. I always knew this, but I made excuses because he was wounded by his racist adopted parents. I judge myself for staying with him, after this. This was one of many horrific things my husband had done. Yes, I still loved him after I witness this coward selfish behavior towards his own flesh and blood. Honestly, I don’t blame you if you judge me. I sincerely don’t….

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